Unlearning Turns 20!

“This record almost never happened. By 2003, I had parted ways with my label in Nashville and moved to Houston, TX. I was 26 and struggling as a solo artist, trying to figure out who I was as a singer/songwriter and even more so as a person. For months, I couldn’t seem to write anything that felt true or honest. I had writer’s block and felt completely uninspired. At first I thought I’d try to follow up the bit of radio success I had at Christian radio by trying to repeat the formula of youth oriented praise songs that permeated my debut album, but poppy 'praise and worship' music was not something I had the desire or ability to attempt and repeat ad nauseam. I just didn’t have the words. That summer I slowly took some risks to get to know a few people in Houston, and even though my introverted self found it uncomfortable at first, I became a part of a group of young artists and students who met at least once a week to hang out and share a meal. We helped each other move in and out of new apartments and dorms, we played music and sports together, watched movies, and just hung out all. the. time. It was like a season of the tv show Friends (Texas version). I was also traveling with my band quite a lot at this time and even did a few cross-culture trips, solo, with a host of different organizations. All of this felt to me like living real life. Seeing other people and other cultures was a rich experience. I felt small and insignificant, yet connected in a way I was compelled to explore. 

What surfaced, most strikingly, in my attempts at writing early on,

was grief. At first it was a sense of loss from a music career I was already seeing slip away from what I had hoped it could be. The freedom to write about loss and struggle unearthed something in me I did not expect. This writing project would become about the unresolved grief over the loss of my father who died in a car accident when I was 3 years old. Songs started to pour out, and at one point I was writing a song every couple of days for months at a time. I didn’t know what would come of it, but it was like a dam broke. These songs were different than what I usually wrote. These were songs with questions more than answers. They were not all positive, and eventually they started to get painful. At some point I realized I had an album taking shape and a title to fit the place I was in on my journey. Today, people might call it, ‘deconstruction’. At the time I called it, “Unlearning”. With no management or record label, no money, no idea how to do any of it by myself, I prayed and scraped and made calls to try and figure out how to record these songs. My new Texas community stepped in and helped me raise some money. My cousin in California told me about an indie rock producer in the Hollywood hills who had roots in church music that might be interested in working together. I asked my Texas friends (not professional musicians) to drive out to the West Coast to record the album with me. It was unlike any experience that I’ve ever had making an album. It was cathartic, exhilarating, difficult at times and also pure joy. Nothing about these songs was perfect. It was raw, unvarnished, and in some cases - unfinished. But in uncharacteristic fashion, for me, or maybe because I ran out of time and money, there was no polishing the rough edges and that’s how it remained. Looking back now 20 years, I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s my favourite album I’ve recorded, and it means the most to me. I can listen to these songs and recognize myself in them in an honest, even uncomfortable way that feels true. 

My hope in sharing this music again is that, in re-visiting this album, it might remind us all that in the end, none of us is perfect. But we all have something to say and a perspective to share that can mean something to someone else in the right moment. “Unlearning” was not a commercial success, and was never even a blip on anyone’s radar. But those few people who were in a moment where my moment of vulnerability struck a cord with theirs, well we have a deep connection. Some music aims to reach the masses. This music did not go very far but at the end, my hope was that for a few, it would go deep. I still think there’s value in a pursuit like that. 

Thanks for listening,

Matt